The designs have been drawn out, material lists have been made and the start date was not too far off on the first phase, but....
I get a call from the oldest daughter last week and she said she is changing her major and after getting her degree at A&M she is moving back home to get her Doctorate at the local college. Of course I am all for it and before she was finished talking the little wooden wheels in my head had already started spinning.
I asked her if she was wanting to live in the house or what was she planning.
"Dad, I will be 23 years old and I really don't want to live in the house unless I have to". Is what she said.
I fully understand that and support her decision on it, but it would be a waste of money for her to rent a place in town when she is within driving distance to the college. So, the next best thing is to build her an apartment out back.
I know this picture is hard to see, but if you turn it sideways you get the idea. The condo will not have a bathroom in it because the bathhouse is only thirty feet from it. Plus the main house will be there for them when they need it. Momma will still do the cooking, but they will have their own refrigerator and microwave in there for quick meals.
I was thinking on putting on a small community washroom in the back they could walk into so they will have a quick place to do there makeup and brush their teeth, but I am still undecided on that one.
Here is the problem with the design. By the time all this takes effect, the youngest will be nineteen and will be graduated high school and going into her first year in college. Now I don't know if I should go a head and build three in a row or just the two and tell the youngest to stay in the house.
Ultimately it is their choice to stay or go, live there or live elsewhere, but if I was to give them a free spot to live they can call their own and could save money until they started their careers, then they might stay around for a little while and still have the freedom of living on their own, kinda.
I know this is a big build and one that is kinda possessive. No, I never want my girls to leave, but I do know eventually they are going to. I am just thinking while they are in college this would be a great way we all stay together and they save money.
What's your thoughts on this? Is this over the top and I have possessive and separation issues, or is this something that a good dad would do to help his kids out? Would you have lived in something like this while going to college if it were an option?
I am in the middle on this one.
Thanks for your feedback.
I think that this is an excellent idea. Can you afford to build a place for all three or is building for two and then a place in the house best for your youngest ?
ReplyDeleteI don't think this is a question of your making it hard for your daughters to launch or creating dependency. One of them already has launched. You are providing the best back up plan possible so that when they DO launch, they do so with a maximum chance of success.
We have a large family, and after college, we encouraged our daughter to return to our home, save her money and buy a home when she left rather than to spend a huge amount on rent in almost anywhere which would have less security for a young woman than we would. This year she bought a great house with a pond and acreage five miles from us. She has a mortgage she can afford, and she is only 28.
I think you do what you need to do as a parent and don't worry so much about the folks who think they will turn their kids into freeloaders. I have five kids and they are all great people. We do what WE think they need, not what the society tells us.
Jane, thank you for the comment. I don't care what people think and I pretty much never have. I have always done what I thought to be right even when the outcome is wrong.
DeleteI can do the build in stages. That would be the only way I could afford to do it.
It sounds like you helped set yours up good and that is what I want to do. I don't want them to struggle like I did.Some is good sure, but not like me and their momma had to do it.
Yes, my memory is also clear on having to struggle at their ages. I am also clear that all of my children have done everything that was asked of them in terms of getting their educations, and I am happy to do whatever I can to help them start in what is clearly a more difficult world than I had.
DeleteJane I agree this world is a lot different than the one I went into 22 years ago. I have educated the kids to that fact and prepped them the best I know how.
DeleteAll three are ready to go out and be whatever they want. I may not be ready for them to do that but in the end they have to.
All I am doing is like you said, to do whatever I can to help them get a good start.
this entire post is the reason why i am always proud to call you a friend in the true sense of the word! i wish to God that i had a father like you.
ReplyDeleteyour girls are all already their own little individual people...because of how you and the Mrs. raised them (give the Mrs. a hug for me, wouldjya?). your girls are going to do fine in the world...because of how you and the Mrs. raised them. and helping them out by giving them their "own-rent-free- space" while they continue their educations......
i wish to God that i had a father like you!
your friend,
kymber
Kymber, it has been too long and like always, I enjoy your comments.
DeleteI will give her a hug from the great up North.
I know they will do fine out in the world, I have trained them their whole lives for it.
I called it rent free but they will be paying about 50 a month for the electric they use. And if they want Dish TV then it would be on them to get it.
Thank you for your kind words.
Ask your daughters what they think.
ReplyDeleteAnti Kate, Thank for the comment,
DeleteThe deal with my girls is they see how excited I am about them all staying here and even though they may want to move out, they do not want to let me down or upset me in any way. I know they have to go just like all kids do, all I am wanting to do is help them through their school years.
If they decided to all go and spread their wings yes I will be sad, but I could never be disappointed in them.
MDR,
ReplyDeleteI think it's a great idea. Just a thought, have you looked into a shipping container. They seem to be all the craze lately. Here's a link;
http://www.mnn.com/your-home/remodeling-design/stories/crate-expectations-11-shipping-container-housing-ideas
It would be weather proof, and heavy for shelter in a storm, etc. You'd just have to drywall the inside, cut out some windows, etc. You're a handy guy... Then when they're gone, you have extra storage space. Just a thought.
Izzy, Thanks for the comment.
DeleteThat was the first thing that came to mind, but the cost is out of reach. If I was to spend 3 grand on a container and then another 2 getting it ready, then I could do like I did with my shop and buy a building already to go.
I would end up needing 2 containers side by side for it to be big enough for three apartments.
Doing with wood I can do a little each paycheck untiol it is finally done.
Good idea though.
Well, I never got to go to college and I lived with my parents in the house until I was in my early 30's. I am also an only child. I like your plan to create their own spaces. Whether it is for 2 or three, you have great alternatives for its use when they have moved away. Guest house, rental units, storage, studio. Pretty cool I'd say.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ladyhawthorne for the comment,
DeleteThat was one of the things I was looking at. Maybe a little rental room. But I sure would need to build a bathroom then.
Guest houses defiantly.
Ok, I think we can be honest here. You were with me. So that being said, I stayed with my parents until I was older. But, I REALLY wanted my own place. I wanted the adventure of finding my own place to live. I wanted to be able to "live" on my own. I wanted to be able to do things that my parents didn't know about.(Not that it was anything bad.)When I moved out, I finally felt like an adult. I felt proud of myself for having my own place! I don't think it's about not living with you, it's about living on their own. Living in your back yard, really isn't living on their own. No matter how much you want it to feel like it is, it's not. If they come home late one night, you will always wonder where they were. If their car is not in the driveway, you will always wonder where they are. And, they will always feel like you are watching them. So really, they are not on their own. They won't feel like they are on their own either. But, after saying all of this, you really need to talk to your girls and make sure of what they want. Make sure that they understand that you are supporting THEIR ideas, not just you wanting them to stay home. Remember, just because they are saving money doesn't always mean it's what's best for them.
ReplyDeleteThank you SFG for the comment. The girls know and have always known I support their ideas.
DeleteThe thought of big Daddy watching them is on my mind. What would I do if I woke up and found a boys car still their drive way? Those thoughts are there but I have not figured out the answers yet.
I have talked to them and told them what I want to do. They said it was a good idea but I am not sure they understand it all yet.
There is still time and I still have hope they will want to do this.
The oldest has been on her own now for a little over a year. She has her own apartment and is grow up. If they want to be on their own then I will support it. If they want to stay home then I will support that. If they want to live out back then I will support that. The choice is theirs to make. I am just giving them options.
Let me say that I think it is a very bad idea to build something for females to live in and not include at least one bathroom. What with monthly cycle issues (that men never have to deal with) and the strong desire for privacy that most girls have, I think having them traipse out into the backyard to take care of needs is a bad idea. My 3 daughters aren't quite as old as yours, but they're close. I know how they would react to living without indoor plumbing. Please re-think that part of your plan.
ReplyDeleteAnony, thank you for the comment. I am leaning toward agreeing with you on that.
DeleteThe bathhouse is a stupendous edifice in it's self. It can handle any monthly cycle but, it is old school.
I think I will design something for them out there if they so choose.
I think it's great that you want your girls at home. They can save money by living at home for awhile. Building this condo will also give them a sense of security, knowing they or their children someday, will always have a place to go. I say go for it!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comment Kelly. If this goes through then I will turn them into guest houses so when they return, they will always have their rooms because I plan to redo the rooms in the house for me.
DeleteI think it is a great place for them.
ReplyDeleteNot only that, they have a fallback for the zombie apocalypse...
LindaG, That was exactly what I was thinking.
DeleteThanks for the comment.
It's a great idea MDR. And asking them what they think is good too. You have to consider that by the time the youngest is old enough to be in college though that the oldest might be married...I know you don't really want to think about that LOL so building just a two room condo would probably be the right thing to do and you can always add another room later on if the two older ones are still there and the youngest wants to have her own place. Then that way if SHTF and they are married they can all come back and live with you. Well that might be a bad idea ;) JK.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment Denise.
DeleteBuilding just two is what I talked to the wife about. And I did mention that one of them might be married off by the time the last one is ready, Who knows.
The oldest is back for the Holidays and this will be a perfect time to sit down with all three at one time and talk about the future.
Not an easy posting to comment on. Don't get me wrong, it is an admirable thing you want to do, and a wonderful opportunity for your daughters to take positive steps for their futures.
ReplyDeleteBut, reading the posting, and your replies to the comments, you appear to have made up your mind...
With that in mind, are you strong enough to allow them the freedom to be on their own - at home???? Purchase and cook their own food, wash their own clothes, etc. In other words, be completely independent, apart from you but near, and allow them to almost be boarders (renters). Can you build your daughters accommodation in such a way that they get maximum personal privacy? An attached bathroom, for a female, is a definite LOL Can their "house" not be added to the existing bathroom structure? And I'd also include a small kitchenette so that they can "visit" home when they feel like it, and for those time when they have friends round and don't want to be traipsing to the main house in the middle of the night for a meal or snacks.
Boyfriends cars in the driveway - hmmm. You're going to have to be very strong.
If this is going to work, so that EVERYONE has a win-win, then complete honesty and openness is the only path. You need to sit down with your daughters, and talk to them without the emotion. And, you need to HEAR what their responses are. At the end of that honest discussion you will KNOW deep inside what is in everyone's best interests.
Bless you for trying to assist them. A wonderful mum and dad to be sure :)
Thanks for the comment Dani and yes, I have already made my mind up but that does not mean it will happen. During the holidays all three will be home and I will be able to talk to them at one time to see the true feelings of each.
DeleteI did not plan to build the rooms big enough to have a kitchenette. Just a refrigerator and a microwave is about all they can get in there.
The bathroom is designed for them now, and no the bathhouse is in the garden area so attaching it would not work.
I know the girls respect me enough to not have boys stay the night. They are good girls but the thought is still there.
The oldest has already been on her own so she would be the one to not like the arrangement as much as the others.
One thing I want to make clear. I have raised these girls to be independent from the start. Sometimes they are a little too much for my liking, but in the end they are going to do what they want. I am in the adviser roll now more than anything. I do take their future in consideration and in the end whatever they do is their decision.
For the first fifteen years of my marriage I lived on my dad's farm in a house I built back in the woods. It helped me get to where I am now.
I think it is a wonderful idea. You are a terrific dad.
ReplyDeleteThanks you Patti
DeleteThis is a fabulous idea because we aren't sure what the future will bring. Having this option for your kids is wonderful - even if they choose not to live there for college. My only concern is that your other building plans - your network of porches - has to be put on hold. Our children ALWAYS come first, of course but as they grow up and become the independent adults we made them, it's time to concentrate a little on our own needs. It's not easy because they are our entire world ! I hope you will post photos of your progress. How long do you think it will take - I'm thinking of the time you'll need for your own future studies ? Best wishes. Toni
ReplyDeleteToni, Thank you for the comment,
DeleteThe wife have counted to three on that, she said her enclosed back porch comes first. My cooking are might have to wait but as long as she is happy, happy, happy.
I will be posting updates no matter what I am building. No worries there.
Building this big "house" will take me about a year. It's mostly the money that will be the factor.
You are right about my own studies, I am getting over my head with everything but I am sure I will be able to handle it.
Sounds like a good plan to me, but I think you need to be asking the questions to your daughters since they will be the ones making the decisions.
ReplyDeleteThanks tffnguy,
DeleteYea I already have talked to each by themselves but this weekend I will be able to sit all three down and we can discuss it as a group.
First of all, sending children off to fend for themselves when they do not have the tools to do so is a bad idea. So, living at home is a good idea. My son lived with his father during school, while he was a teacher's aide waiting for a teaching position in his field to open, and while he saved for a mortgage payment. He finally moved out when he was 27 and after buying a home. Then, he waited until he was 38 to marry. Now, at 44 he is married to a woman who was an established teacher. They have two children and no money problems.
ReplyDeleteBeing mature and independent was not an issue for my son. He is now well-launched and successful, more so than if he had tried to be an independent man at 21.
The best way to get your girls to want to leave the house you are building them is to give them no place to cook and no bathroom on the premises. Getting up in the middle of the night to go outdoors to the bathroom is the best way to discourage their living in the house you build.
A kitchen and bathroom are important. What is one of them wants to have girlfriends over to cook a pizza. Going into your home to do so would put a real wet blanket on their life. Yes, you are their father. That is the point. Girls cannot laugh and be silly with parents within earshot.
Boys staying over? That has nothing to do with respecting you. That decision should be made because they respect themselves. The emphasis should not be on you, but them.
They may be willing to live with no bathroom and no kitchen. But, they will take the first opportunity to move on, maybe even before they go to school. They cannot be independent just by being out from under your roof. Going to your house to do laundry, going outdoors to the bathroom, to bathe, and to your kitchen to cook will not help them be independent. However, it will all work itself out in the end, one way or another.
PP, no worries, after talking to the girls we have agreed to install a community bathroom for all three rooms and each room will have a small area for a hot plate and microwave. It will be just like living in a dorm so to speak but they will have their own room.
DeleteThanks for the comment.