Monday, September 26, 2011

Ding Dong, Avon Calling

I was on a construction site about eleven or twelve years ago and walked right up to the biggest, meanest, baddest looking guy who was there and told him in my deep southern draw , "Hey buddy, I got something you need to try for them dry chapped hands of yours".

It was about a year before I went into the Army, I just turned 29 and man did I feel good. At 6' 4" 225lbs I was bullet proof. I wore ripped up pants with hole in the knees, a un-tucked button down shirt with the sleeve cut off, I razored my head bald and wore the rebel flag as a bandanna with a fu-man-chew mustache. My dad would say I looked like a Nazi and I looked as if I wanted to kill everyone I met, and I did.

At that time the wife was dabbling in Avon. She had a few customers here and there and I would laugh and make fun of delivery day when the boxes would arrive. She would always ask me to help her fill the orders and I would always say no and walk out the door. A real butt head right?

I don't hardly remember on how it all started but I think she was sick and could not make the deliveries that week and no matter how bad I didn't want too, I did it anyway. I kept thinking to myself, "I will kick the crap out of anyone who laughs at me for this".
So here I was, walking up to the doors of the women folks houses and ringing the bell. When they would open the door I remember the frightened looks on their faces as they would quickly try and shut it back. There were several times after the door was slammed in my face I just yelled, "I will just set your Avon order right here Ma'am"

During the winter months working out in the cold my hands would dry out and split causing real pain and discomfort. The wife ordered me some hand lotion that I started using and surprisingly it worked. She asked me if I knew of any guys that might want to try it for themselves. Of course I did, but I didn't want to ask any of them. So to stay on her good side I took some samples to work and passed them out saying the wife wanted me to give these out so don't blame me.
They all understood about the wife thing and didn't say much about it until a few days later.

"Hey bubba" one guy said in a low whisper.

"What's up" I said right back.

He looked at the ground for a second and kicked a rock or two then looked around to make sure nobody heard him and said "Hey man, you got any more of that stuff"

I knew what he was wanting, but I wanted to hear him say it. This was almost like a drug deal and it was really funny so I leaned in close and said, "What stuff is that"

He was uneasy at this point putting his hands in his pockets, dropping his head and saying "You know, that really good stuff you brought the other day"

I perked up and in a louder than normal voice said, "Oh yea, you mean that hand lotion I gave you"

"Now dawg gone it bubba, you don't have to announce it to whole world" he quickly shouted back looking around making sure nobody heard.

I just laughed and went to my truck and gave him a Avon book.
Yes, I was now carrying books. The wife wanted me to give them to the ladies in the office if I had the chance.

That lotion deal got me to thinking. On products like that, women buy from women, men will not buy from women but I might have something here where men could buy from a man and be semi-comfortable about it.
I took the ball and ran with it. In just a two or three months I had about fifty customers. Delivery day was like Christmas at our house.

I kept a current catalog rolled up in my back pocket at all times. Every guy I came across in the field I would approach and tell him I had something for his hands, feet or whatever else I could think of.
I also had many women buy from me. They would tell me the only reason they do is because I was man enough and had the cahonies to sell this stuff.

I was invited to talk at one of the monthly Avon meetings one time. I walked in and was the only guy in a room full of about 100 women. I want to tell you what, talk about being in a meat market. I heard cat calls, hisses, I was pinched, groped, fondled and I think molested once or twice. After the whole ordeal, I felt dirty. All I wanted to do was go home and take a shower. Every since that day, I have never hollered out the window at a woman again. Them old ladies were something else now.    

Before I left for the Army I had around 120 regular customers. That is not including all the people my helpers had ordering through them. If you added them into it, it was around 300.

Now you guys out there reading this may be wanting to call me limp wristed and shaking your heads saying "There ain't no way", but let me tell y'all something, it was worth it. Many nights the wife and I would argue on the way home from some Avon thing with her saying, "Those women were flirting with you all night". I would always just smile, look aver at her and say "Yes they were, but I am coming home with you".        


  1. oh bahahahahah! i can honestly see you doing this and doing it right buddy! but i really feel sorry for you having to deal with all the cat-calls, groping and possible sexual assaults (i guess if you can't properly remember them then you can't call them assaults?). anyway - i would have loved to buy my avon from an MDR. you could make a killing here. all the ladies buy avon and if a big 'ol American MDR was selling - why they would be fainting and swooning, probably groping and copping a feel here and there (i am sure that you could stand it) - but also spending $200 a book! you could live like a king buddy!

    oh thank you so much for this! and it has not passed by me that i asked for this tale and you delivered. there's a real quiet, private place on this 10 acres for you...and we'll even rent you vandura for $10 bucks a month!

    bahahaha - oh i can't get the image of the ladies here groping you for avon - THEY would love it. especially if you said "y'all" in that Texan drawl - they would drool!!!

    bahahahahahah! oh crap MDR - i need to get to bed. gonna giggle all night!

    awesome, awesome post! the most awesomest ever! thanks buddy!

  2. ROFL that's awesome. It takes a real man to do that. By the way my sister and aunt sell avon. Great post!!

  3. I think I live far enough away to call him metrosexual.

    But good marketing idea.

  4. ya know...the po-leece used to always tell e "I had the right to remain silent"......shoot....I'm gonna ask my wife when we can start selling avon.....and me???? I ride a Harley, outlaw style...Thanks for inspiring me.

  5. dude - i can see your struggle and i bet you made a pretty picture delivering avon "rebel-style" ;-)

    but customers are customers an' if you were adding to the bottom line selling hand cream to hardhats - all power to you!!

    btw, little old ladies scare the crap outta me too !!

  6. MDR it took guts to write this. Thank you.

  7. Awesome post MDR! You really are one of a kind, the world needs more men like you

  8. Thank yall for the comments.

    Kymber - Thank you and I think I wrote it out of fear from your last comment. It was a fun story to write. I hope I did it justice.
    I had a job offer up your way a few years ago. The guy wanted to use me as an attraction for his car lot. I turned it down.

    Coley - Thanks for the compliment. So many people up here sell it as well. I don't think I could do it again, but you never know.

    Mudbug - I am so far away from Metrosexual. As a matter of fact, I had a gay guy call me butch onece. (Maybe that was not the best example)

    Warlock - Im telling you, women dig the bad boys. You will get calls in the middle of the night asking for the stuff.
    All I am anymore is a whiped dog.

    Jambaloney - Honestly, I have never heard a tiger purr until I sold Avon. Some wore lepord print tights and the whole nine yards.

    Rob's Bunker - I had to, did you see the threats from the comments on my last post? Oh, there are so many more jacked up stories I could tell. Like leading a line of dancers to the song YMCA. Man I have done some wierd things.

    Rhianna - Thank you for the compliment, but I don't know if the wife would agree of having more guys like me running around. True, it would interesting and fun most of the times but I think I would even get sick of me.

  9. I think it's great, good for you. You are so far from being metrosexual it isn't funny.

  10. I think it's a good idea. Thats just like a guy cutting hair. They ALWAYS make bigger tips than women cutting hair. All they guys have to do is say that the woman looks good. And, BAM!, they make the big money. Selling Avon just proves you can look outside the box.

  11. Stephen - Thanks for reassuring thought.

    SFG - Some would say I don't even have a box to look outside of. LOL

  12. waiting to hear more about leading a line of dancers to YMCA...and i know that i do not have to threaten you this time.

    YOU know that i can find you MDR - bahahahaha!

    your friend,

    p.s. - also can't wait for any other crazy stories. i know that you got a lot to tell. and i really do enjoy them. yer an awesome writer buddy! and a funny story teller! we're all waiting for the rest of them!

  13. If he made money for his family, then it is honorable. I just poke fun because it is Avon. The wife makes me quilt in the winter for craft shows.

  14. Mudbug - i imagine she makes me you do much more than that - bahahahah!

  15. Well, maybe you should have packaged the stuff in camo and renamed it something like "Old Popskulls outdoor worker ointment" then it would have been ok to sell it openly. As for being set upon by all those women, throw me in that briar patch, Bre'r Rabbit.

  16. Fa-fa remember when you led everyone in YMCA at the father daughter dance way back when? :)

  17. Kymber - My memory is not very good anymore so I am going to have to think and jot some down.

    MudBug - Don't feel bad I have spent some time quilting myself.

    ATH - That's not a bad idea. I know when I quilted I mad man quilts and sold them.

    BEB - I will have to tell that story one day but some might think that is taking it to far.