With all the things happening around the world and even here on the home front this past week, it has been an eye opening reality check for me.
As y'all know for over the past couple of months I have lived without a plan and free from worry. Doing what I want, when I want and going where I want without really any care in the world. This has been the first time in my adult life I have done such a thing. Using the words "Oh, what the hell, lets go" became the new normal around the house and to tell you the truth, I liked it a lot.
Not worrying about how many pounds of corn mill or how many cans of freeze dried fruit I had on hand was nice. Not giving a second thought on animal production and sells was even nicer. We even half heartily planted a fall garden, but soon forgot about it and nothing even sprouted, but that's okay. When you doctor looks you eye to eye and says if you don't change something quick and stop worrying so much you will not be around to enjoy your grand babies. She went on to say if I keep going the way I am it would not be long. When something like that is said to you, you tend to start second guessing if what you are doing is really so important and if it's even worth it.
I can see how easy it is to get caught up in normal people's lifestyle. (I use that term only because they think they are the normal ones and we are the whack jobs). Only thinking about doing fun things and not caring if the sun comes up tomorrow gets addicting. Buying only the food you need for that night is actually really fun. Eating without a plan is like a getting a surprise every night, you never know what you might get. Going places without times, purpose and care was thought to be pointless before has now turned into a great time just being out with he family.
Before the doctor (BTD) my personality and mental disorders made it where everything had to have a plan and be organized. Even if something was spontaneous, I usually started making the schedule and plans while walking to the truck and by the time we arrived, it was all planned out. I had to be, nothing else would do.
For a little over two months now I have not had to do that, but then this last week something changed.
When the attacks happened on our Embassy and the events that followed, emotions started building and something triggered in my brain, I found myself starting to worry again. I suddenly thought about the last time I did inventory on my food storage and I couldn't remember. I wondered how many months I have left of food since we stopped putting up. I wondered why I shut the bathhouse off and have not used it for over two months now. I could not figure out why I took my "get home" bag out of my truck. I could not understand why I have not used my hand powered washing machine in months and I felt depressed and the onslaught of panic started setting in when I remembered there was nothing growing in the gardens. I also felt sad because I don't have any animals left to care for and sustain me if need be.
Instead of looking out over the Mini Farm and seeing freedom from all the work like I have been doing all summer, all I could see now was emptiness and a lost dream.
The first opportunity I had Friday after work I grabbed the wife and went to Sam's. Then to Walmart, followed by a couple more quick stops on the way home. I am happy to say the storage room is stocked back up to where it needs to be. A few more things and it will be like this laps in judgement I had never happen.
Next on the list to get done was repacking my BOB and GHB for winter use. I picked up some new 72 hours kits from Wise foods a while back and finally got them packed. Plus I added some warm wear to the bags just in case.
It's not too late to get the green house replanted so tonight I plan to get the lettuce, carrots and whatever else I can think of planted for a winter garden. As far as the animals, I do not plan to get anymore until spring and when I do it will be nothing like what I had. I am not going to mass market and sell this next year near as much as I have done in the past, maybe a few dozen at best mainly for personal use.
I am also happy to say the bathhouse and washing machine are up and running again and are being used. Even though it was only a short time, I have forgotten how nice a 100% free hot shower felt until this last weekend.
Here's what's different this time around. I have now learned not to stress out over it all. If it can't get done it won't and if it's not getting done in a timely manner then that's okay. BTD, I was wound as tight as fishing line around a tree branch. Now ATD, I can now control my worries to what matters and I learned how to have fun again, everything is good. I have lost over 30 pounds, my blood pressure is almost back to normal and I feel great.
Homesteading, prepping and surviving is my focus and my way of life, but I have to take care of me so I can enjoy it. The cool thing is, I don't care if that is selfish.